You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
