can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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