Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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