I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
