I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
