we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
