this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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