I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
3pm strippers are depressing
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
