Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
is that a dick in a sweater?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
