i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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