Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
