you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
