he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
it's like iHOP with fire
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
