I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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