while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
