I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
