i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
