Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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