Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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