I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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