Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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