Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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