How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
