Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
