i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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