Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
