Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
