mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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