o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
