i jhust puked up my retainher.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I got inside last night via doggy door
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
