i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
