omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
