When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No I am not eating basil off your cock
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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