FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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