I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
