I feel great
I just peed on a car
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
