I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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