How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
