Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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