Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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