Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
