My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
