please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
