Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
