the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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