my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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