4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
