At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
