i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
