i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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