i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
of course. lets lasso hookers.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
