Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
