just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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