your parents love me but you hate me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
